


Needing/Getting

by LadyMorgaine76



Series: Much Ado About Watford [1]
Category: Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell, Simon Snow & Related Fandoms
Genre: Angst and Feels, Leaving Home, M/M, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-04
Updated: 2020-03-04
Packaged: 2021-02-28 20:47:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,696
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23013472
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LadyMorgaine76/pseuds/LadyMorgaine76
Summary: Niall is tired of wasting his whole life wanting and needing Dev.Needing is one thing, Getting is another...And he's aware his chances of getting the man he loves are slim.Now, he's leaving...
Relationships: Dev/Niall (Simon Snow)
Series: Much Ado About Watford [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1653943
Comments: 6
Kudos: 27





	Needing/Getting

**Author's Note:**

> The Much Ado About Watford Series is dedicated to:  
> Laura  
> Dida  
> Fernanda
> 
> (Obrigada por todo o vosso apoio!)

**<https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MejbOFk7H6c> **

**Niall**

_"Sharing a room with the person you want most, is like sharing a room with an open fire."_

Baz told me once that was the feeling he carried inside all those years of silent pining over his now boyfriend…

He talks to me a lot about these things nowadays.

He didn't use to speak to anyone about his feelings.

To anyone!

Not even us…

Don't get me wrong. I think both me and Dev knew Baz was gay quite early on. We just never spoke about it to Baz. Sometimes it bothered us that he wouldn't trust us enough to tell us that…

But that's all bullshit, isn't it? It was never about us. It was about Baz and how he dealt with whom he was.

A vampire.

A gay man.

The last male heir carrying the Pitch legacy.

Every single one of us can be chaos incarnate on the inside while giving everyone polite smiles…

The rule of thumb is: When someone's go-to answer is 'I'm fine.', there's a ninety nine percent chance they're falling apart internally in one way or the other.

My chaos?

Fucking Devlin Lucas Selby Grimm!

Sharing a room with him was… well, it was fucking difficult at times, wasn't it?

We were instant best friends, and that comes with total at ease on our shared quarters, conversations about everything, confiding things on me that I truly didn't need to know, the occasional clothes changing nudity.

I did _not_ need that in the slightest… not at all!

I mean… I appreciated it, visually, but my heart could have done without the occasional tachycardia caused by naked Dev in front of me like it was nothing!

This is where the fundamental difference between me and Baz comes:

He could use his rivalry facade to throw Simon a sneer, or say 'Fuck you, Snow' and leave the room at any given moment.

Me? I was stuck there!

I couldn't simply tell Dev 'Fuck You' and leave!

I mean…

'Fuck you' was a go-to to shut him up, but I couldn't just _leave_ … that would have been suspicious.

What was I supposed to do?

So, I stayed there and burned each time…

I'm done scorching my heart for Dev. I'm done following him around, taking the scraps, feeling happy with only our friendship.

It's consuming me and I'm scared I'll say or do something I cannot take back.

I can't even blame Dev. 

He's just being himself and I know he likes me and cares. But it's not the way I do for him.

You can't force people to love you back.

Loving someone doesn't entitle us to their heart.

Loving someone sometimes means leaving and moving forward, so they can find their own path without it killing us inside.

Maybe after my Bachelor's degree, after three years have gone by, I can stand in front of Dev and not feel like I'm coming apart.

This is why I'm leaving for Germany.

I'm not _running away_. I'm giving us space to grow apart, to move on.

I'm leaving mostly because I want to! Believe me, if by any miraculous chance Dev would turn his cocky ass smile at me and tell me he had feelings for me, (dreaming is tax free, for now…) I would still take the opportunity to go Berlin. It's a very reputable University and I would have to be insane to turn it down!

The difference is that I would have someone to come back to and the end of each term…

As things are, I'm also taking the chance to find some bloody solace, by not having to see Dev day after day. (Because instead of going back to Cork, yours truly decided to take Dev's offer to share a flat with him and go to the Royal College of Art…) 

I told Baz (and Simon.) (They became practically joined at the hip! They're worse now than at the beginning!) and all I can say is that he saw right through me…

But he's an upstanding bloke, so I know he'll be true to his word and not tell a thing to Dev. 

He said some slightly unbecoming things about his cousin and how he's _"...a damn fool who can't see what's right in front of him…"_ , but he understands my decision in not coming clean to Dev.

I just can't…

Telling Dev that I'm leaving… well, that was whole other matter…

Something along the lines of _"... abandoning me in London…"_ and _"I thought we were a team!"_ with lots of grumbling and pouting to the mix.

Which is why he's side-eyeing me while I finish packing (I have a flight tomorrow morning. It becomes more real at each passing hour.) with the occasional huffing and more grumbling.

He's not happy.

But it's not for the reason I'd like him to…

I stop packing and stare at him. Dark brown eyes, brown hair and olive skin… He's beautiful… 

But I can't stay.

"I am going, Dev. I've made up my mind about this…" I tell him firmly. He automatically stands up from the reading nook where he'd been staring me down and gets himself all up in my face.

"But it's Berlin! In Germany!" He says, like that's supposed to make me have some last minute epiphany...

"Yeah. I know." I sneer at him. (Learned that one from Baz!) "I paid attention in geography class."

He stands there, mouth open and his fingers pointing at me, like he was going to say something, but regretted it. Instead, he goes off on the usual tirade.

"What about us?"

Here we go!

"Us? Who's 'Us'?" I restart packing my jeans, this time with a bit more vigor.

"Me, Baz, Simon. You know, your friends! You're going to just leave us?"

"Crowley, Dev!" Such a fucking drama queen at times… "I'm just going to Uni abroad! It's not like I'm going to war!... Again!" ... Thankfully… one battle per lifetime is quite enough, thank you very much! 

"But it's so far!" He whines. He looks fucking adorable pouting and I feel like I'm about to have another internal crisis!

"It's a two hour flight." I remind him. We've been through this. It's not like I hadn't told him before. He's known I'm leaving for two weeks now... "Don't be dramatic. I'm perfectly sure you can handle three years without me telling you how to tie your shoelaces…" There! This is what I was talking about! I get frustrated and I start saying these kinds of shit that I wouldn't say otherwise. 

"We were a team, Niall!" Merlin and fucking Morgana! Dev, I love you but, you can be fucking exhausting! 

"Welcome to adulthood…" I throw a pair of socks violently at the trolley and they bounce right back and into the floor… "People drift apart occasionally!" 

I straighten myself up, run my fingers through my hair and try to calm myself down.

This isn't his fault. He doesn't know _why_ I'm leaving.

He's just trying to keep his little comfort group all together in the same place. He's used to having Baz around since… ever! And me, since we were 11. It's a lot. 

With Baz constantly with Simon and me going away, this is quite naturally freaking him out! 

"Listen, it's a great university and I've been _invited_ to attend it! This is it. This is my chance of achieving my dream of becoming a professional artist! You should be happy for me!" I tell him with a much softer tone then the one I began this conversation with.

"I am! It's just… well… it's always been the two of us throughout the years and now you won't be here when I need someone to talk to." He's also coming down a notch. Which means I was right. He was freaking out.

I wonder if he's been taking his medication? Can't forget to tell Baz to check that out...

"Talk to Baz." I took too much of the place that belonged to his cousin. It's time Dev starts trusting Baz more, like he did when they were kids. 

They're both crap at talking about things like feelings and fears and anything more profound and scary… "He's your cousin. Besides, smartphones and social media exist. I'm not falling off the face of the Earth…" I smile. It's hard to smile, but I do nonetheless.

There's just one last thing I need to do...

" _As you were_ " I utter, as I turn my wand at my eyes.

I've been spelling my eyes blue for years! Which is stupid.

Especially because I know why I've been spelling them that particular colour.

His stupid on and off crush on Agatha Wellbelove…

(He also had a minor one on Simon, when we were 16, which caused him to have a bit of an existential crisis that only I knew of…)

(It's all so fucking ridiculous that the same bloke caused a gay awakening and a bisexual awakening on both cousins… it's like a B movie plotline!)

I feel the spell wear off as my eyes go back to their very nondescript brown.

I'm aware they're the exact same colour as Dev's.

I just don't like them because they're mine.

"Hadn't seen those in a while…" Dev stares at me. I stare back.

"Yeah, well… I'm tired of pretending to be what I'm not." I'm just me. Just Niall. Just a lanky, red haired, brown eyed boy who doesn't fit the bloke he loves' preferences…

Not romantically…

Not even physically...

"What did I do? Because I have this feeling like I've done something and you're mad at me…" He looks worried. Actually worried. Like I'm leaving because he's done something.

But that's the whole problem, isn't it?

"Nothing, Dev… you've done _nothing_ …"

You didn't notice me.

You didn't see me here, at your side, all this time.

You didn't realize I was falling for you through the years.

Because I didn't tell you.

Because I didn't show you.

Because I've always been more scared to lose you, than I was brave enough to confess to you.

So you did nothing.


End file.
